


As Soft As Fur

by monkiainen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dubious Consent, Implied homophobia, Internal homophobia, M/M, Sirius Black Fest 2020, Slurs, implied sirius/lucius, one-sided sirius/severus, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:47:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27371434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monkiainen/pseuds/monkiainen
Summary: Sirius Black is the coward of the worst kind.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Lucius Malfoy, Sirius Black/Severus Snape
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28
Collections: Sirius Black Fest 2020





	As Soft As Fur

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT: Internal homophobia, implied homophobia, homophobic slurs, self-hate, dub-con, sex used as a coercion tool

He's only doing it to get information, that's it. Sirius tells himself the same story every time he's supposed to meet with Lucius Malfoy. Because there's no way Sirius is voluntarily seeking Lucius's companion in any way.

Deep down inside him, Sirius knows he's only lying to himself, to everyone else in the Order. He goes to Lucius because the older man can give him what he desperately desires. And even then Sirius is only thinking of someone else, someone else he can't have because of what he did in his youth.

Being with another man is a sin, an abomination. The wizarding kind needs to produce more children, to flourish, and it needs to be done as it has always been done centuries and centuries past. To wilfully desire someone of your own sex, to have carnal activities without a chance of producing children, is the greatest crime one can do.

And yet Sirius couldn't help himself, couldn't help to be born as the shameful _freak_ he is, who dreams of other men while masturbating. Oh, Sirius had tried, he had really tried to fit the mould with everyone else. He had pretended to like women, he had pretended they were the object of his sex dreams, he had never told anyone his deepest secret. No would ever know Sirius was a disgusting pansy, a queer, a fucking faggot.

It would have been alright if there hadn't been Severus Snape.

The black-haired Slytherin was everything Sirius ever dreamed of, with his slender frame and sharp wit. But Snape didn't understand the proper way wizards should act, no, but how could he? His pure-blooded mother hadn't taught him anything about rules and proper actions, and as a result, Snape had some strange Muggle beliefs.

Snape said it was common with Muggles to have partners of your own sex, and it was accepted. Outrageous! Scandalous! And Snape even had the nerve to kiss another boy in public! 

Sirius never told anyone how he had wished to be able to do the same things Snape did. But it was impossible, there was no doubt it was impossible, it was not a proper way to act. And because Snape had what Sirius couldn't have, jealousy lifted its ugly head and made Sirius act the way he did. He was only trying to show Snape how the other boy should act if he wanted to do well in life – right?

It had nothing do with the fact Sirius desperately wanted to kiss the other boy, wanted to make the other boy _his_. And now he never could, because in his foolishness he nearly killed the one he loves.

Years went by, and yet Sirius couldn't get the image of a dark-haired Slytherin boy out of his head. Living with the Muggles was easier – no one questioned Sirius if he spent his nights in gay bars, hooking up with a new man every night. The sex was good, it was all he had ever wanted, and yet it wasn't enough to fill the void inside him.

None of them was Snape.

Later on, Sirius wondered if he would have noticed Peter's betrayal before it was too late if he hadn't been so engrossed in his own life. Maybe, maybe not. But now he was stuck in Azkaban when everyone else continued with their lives.

Sirius escaped; yes he did, only to find out nothing was ever going to be the same again. Remus was mistrustful, James was dead, Peter was on the run – and Snape hated him even more.

It was surprisingly easy to reach out to Lucius Malfoy, under the pretence of Sirius being Lord Black. Even if Sirius couldn't care less about his title or what it presented. It was a way to get inside information, to spy on Voldemort's inner circle. And Lucius… was good at playing games, Sirius soon realised.

Bit by bit, snippet after snippet, and Lucius had discovered his most shameful secret in no time. Lucius generously offered to keep his secret on one condition – Sirius would let Lucius fuck him, and in exchange, Lucius would tell him everything Sirius wanted to know. Information was power, and right now Lucius had more power than anyone else in Sirius's life.

And Sirius had said yes. Not because he had no other choice, but because Lucius would give him the one thing he wanted the most – and because Sirius could lie to everyone else he had been Imperisiued if they would find out.

It was the coward's way out, and Sirius knew it.

Another day at the Malfoy Manor, another day of "gaining information". Oh, but Sirius did gain information, about other Death Eaters, about Dark Lord's madness, about the hatred everyone seemed to have against Muggles and Muggleborns. And information Sirius would keep only to himself: what Lucius looked like naked, how long and thick the other man's cock was, and how wonderful it felt when Lucius was pounding into him. It was glorious, glorious, and shameful.

No one questioned Sirius when he took the form of Padfoot the minute he was back inside 12 Grimmauld Place. They understood that spending time with Lucius wasn't good to his "mental health" like Molly whispered in Andromeda's ear when she thought Sirius couldn't hear it. Oh, it was good, but Sirius couldn't tell anyone. And he couldn't risk either Albus or Severus to find out the truth from his mind, so he did another cowardly act and hid all the memories in the dog's mind.

No one could ever know the truth. Never. 

And yet on many of the sleepless nights, Sirius wonders what it would be like to be with Snape, to be able to tell the other man about his true feelings, to be able to be the man he truly is.

It's just a dream that will never be.


End file.
